I am still just a little....

confused, perplexed, bewildered, befuddled, confounded, dumbfounded, mystified, puzzled, disoriented, disturbed, bugged and just a little bit taken aback too....

So here is the thing... the picture should explain the conversation we had tonight...

We spoke tonight. Well it started with a text which said more-or-less why have you left me with the difficult choices. The last times we did this it always failed and I don't want it to be up to me...

It is confusing isn't it? I said I want her and want to know if she wants me. D... is not sure what she wants... but she doesn't want to make the decision. One day we may look back at these times and feel a little sadness that we missed spending these gaps together... or not.

Maybe I am missing something because if the decision was mine, we would be sitting at my table on Saturday night with a sushi dinner. Some candles. A bottle of wine. Some easy music. I would get up to change the music, come back and sneak a nibble on her neck. 

Later we'd snuggle on the couch with the balance of the wine. Catch up on what's happened in the last few weeks in each others lives and then follow this up with a bubble bath in my big bath and a little more cuddling & snuggling. 

On Sunday morning I might get lucky (again) and then we would walk down to Herestrau Park and see what's happening there. 

And that could be the start.

Silence is my answer...

There are two ways that we humans deal with problems;

1. Confront them head on which can be difficult and have horrible ramifications depending on the matter at hand. Why, just ask GeeeDubYa Bush and see the havoc he has wreaked on our poor earth. The A-merkins coined a phrase during the Vietnam war. There was something called the "Scortched Earth" policy. It meant burn it to the ground so that there is nothing left... This can be one of the consequences of direct confrontation of your problems. It can be done in other ways too. 

2. Ignore it. Stick your head in the sand like an Ostrich and hope like hell that the problem does not come back and bite your arse.

Which one do you choose? Either way, a decision has been made already and putting it off and sticking your head in the sand - well your arse will be bitten.

Then there is always the email option.... send a note and duck your head. Stay out of contact for a few days till you think you've weathered the storm and viola, everything comes up rosy and happy... or does it?

Lets call this an unrequited love story....

D... sms'ed the other night. I'd like to call you just to talk & hear your voice. Can I? Please.

Only if you really want to. She called.

We spoke and she said all she thinks about is us. A family with us. Me and her and a family. Well that is all I think about too. We spoke more and as it turned I could not really hear if she was being true to herself & true to me. There is something holding her back - what - only she knows. She even tells me that I still turn her on.... not much I can do from here I am afraid.

She then said - sorry I didn't call to upset you I shouldn't have called - sorry. I sent her an sms and said more or less - if you want me, I am here, you know how I feel and it's up to you now. But if you don't want me - we must never be in contact again. She said will I ever see you again? I said like this no. 

In my book ex is ex because when it is not ex, it brings a lot of sh!t with it. It brings discomfort for the new partners and it brings back old ghosts with yourselves. All the what if? Never go away for good.

I also followed it up with a no pressure text because when we'd done it before we put a time pressure on it and of course it never worked properly.

Well she is thinking about it. I don't hold out much hope because I think that by now she should know if she wants me for the rest of our lives. If she has doubts, well all I can say is so do I. I don't know for DAMN sure that she is the one. I feel she is, we get on great, I find her , intelligent, hilarious much of the time, I find her sweet often, I find her szexy every waking moment and the ... is brilliant... we like much of the same stuff (sushi, travel, socialising, cuddling, eating in and making great salads, and a lot more). I even loke it when she stops to take these awesome pictures (she's a dab hand at photography & I am bad) & she always feels she should apologise for it. I have to add that I like her eyebrows a bit less plucked than she does them currently though :0

If she stays alone at home much longer... she might find that sort of independence too difficult to give up... but if she came and stayed with me, we could establish a home in Budapest for us, for holidays and getaways. A place she could pop back to often for visits to the family and friends and for us for later on in life. 

Well I will wait to see what she thinks but in the mean time I will also sit here and think....

Valentines Day...

She sent me a text - something about how of all the people she could think of in the world, I was the one she wanted to be with the most TODAY....

What exactly should I read into that? Does it mean that she is thinking about us again or is this some way for her to think that she is being nice to me? Does it mean - today I want to be with you but no other day... does it mean anything or should I just forget it?

Well I haven't answered - I am loathe to do that for the things I want to say...

Casual Sex...... well she really had me going then

It's been the 7th break-up. I cant help wondering why I cant get her to really really love me.

The day I met her I thought - I've never believed in love at first sight but maybe it's true. That the was the start. I let myself fall - it was wonderful. I cant explain it but she made me feel so good. She did all the right things, she said all the right things & then in a flash, she left for Spain.

She told me matter-of-factly that it was all in her plan and this was just a summer fling. I was broken inside & she left. In the next few weeks we spent time sending tear-jerking dramatic emails and sms' to each other and then she came back. Her plan to reunite with her ex had failed for reasons she never really let on. I assumed it was her choice & I suppose I did not want to know the real answer... I was to be second fiddle.

Can I stay with you for a while till I get on my feet. Of course - I'd be delighted. She never did but we stared off again. I was in heaven. All was good for a few months when out of the blue she wasn't available, no fast answers to my sms', no cute emails and then she told me - I don't really love you. I thought I did but lets call it off. Well this has happened on and off 6 times in all. The last time I broke off with her.

Each time it was the same. She'd stop answering the sms' or mails (we now live in different countries which makes it all the more difficult but that is not unusual today is it?)

I always wanted her back because apart from everything I love her very deeply - I still do. There is something about her I cant explain. I love her smile, I love her laugh - though she has laughed very little in the last while. I love the little scar on her forehead, the little mark on her chest, the other little marks on her body, the way she used to make me feel, the way she gets excited about the smallest things. The way she gets so passionate about the environment, the way she drags me to movies that are not really my type and says it's her chance to choose and sometimes gets me into movies that have no English and subtitles in Hungarian only and then spends the rest of the night apologising. The converstation - she usually captivated me. I love it all.... or maybe I should say I loved it all.

You see I had a pretty unhappy long relationship before D... that we let go on far too long. One where the last few years were spent arguing about nothing. Fighting over everything and believing that we were not working hard enough at it to make it work... Dooooh - losers we were. I decided never to do stupid things like that again - argue over nothing. I didn't. Maybe D... thought therefore that I didn't care - but I did, deeply and I still do. Maybe she wanted more resistance but I could not bring myself back to that angry place. Deeper than she will ever know or understand - I am still smitten - hulye vagyok - nagyon hulye or stupid I am, very stupid.

We went on holiday to Transylvania and had what I believed was a great time. I was in my element. Came back. She went home and then a few days later I was getting the classic no response thing. I felt there was something wrong. I tried to call, no answer. I left a mail - am busy will try you later anything wrong she responded by. No, I mailed back. Just called to say I love you. Aaaaw-oooh blush she wrote. Later we spoke. Can't really speak, too many people around, maybe over the weekend.... oh sheee-ite I thought. Here we go. Last week she spoke/we spoke about how to bring up kids, all the lovey-dovey stuff, I was planning to get her over her to live with me, planning to buy her a car maybe, and now... Oh Sheee-ite. She is going walk-about again.

That night I thought let me search for her blog. She told me once she blogs. Maybe I will find something there. I found nothing. Then later on, my insides still gnawing away at themselves I gave up. I started looking for something else and stumbled across her blog. The first few lines said it all.....

The trip a fairytale... the two of us together a disappointment... a very negative start of the year. I was gutted. I sort of expected it but it hit me like a hammer between the eyes. The blood pumping so hard in my head... I felt like I had a hole in my chest & I still feel liek that. I was empty. Numb, shocked - angry, sad... everything and nothing.

I sms'd & said don't worry I wont drag you through any further disappointments.... She called, mailed, sms'd and said "God I don't want to loose you I love you." A few other things as well about - it wasn't meant like that. I couldn't believe it. We'd been planning to meet up a few weeks later and as it ended up we cancelled and never did. She then chose the email solution to tell me what a good guy I am (read loser) and how it was all her - the classic dump. Why could she never talk to me about these things. I rue the moment I found that blog but maybe it's for the better in the long run.

I read further through her blog. There were very few mentions of me & granted few mentions of many of her family & friends. There was reference to having loved and lost the greatest love of her life. Another how each time she thinks she is over him he pops up somewhere, in her mail box or whatever. Her Spanish ex that she never went back to at least not for more than a week or two. She tried a few times it seems. At least twice that I know of while 'with' me though it was during times she had dumped me. Maybe I was stupid. Maybe there were many more times... probably yes there were. Maybe there were others she was interested in and never told me too...

She wrote finally that I should forget her and move on. I gave her all I had emotionally but in return I got - as she wrote to me in her last mail - all she could give me - casual sex....

Now her blog is a bit quiet with occasional mention of her sadness. I have been fighting to resist looking at it and doing quite well. I have only looked a few times in the last 10 days. I have deleted her numbers, removed her from my Facebook friends and removed some of her friends as well. Part of a cleansing I suppose but I still love her deeply and always will. I want her still above anything... anything. And no, I don't think at all it was just casual sex... I think she she knows it too.

Farewell my Bitter Blue

Note - this video does not fit her very well - it is just a funny sad thing that I felt might lift this in the end...