Tonight...

I must be a lonely fuck!! I was around with friends having dinner and I was the odd one out. Clearly the last 3 years have been a complete waste of my time.

I am beginning to think that meeting the Hungarian Princess was one of the bigger mistakes in my life for I am left with more heartache and despair that I have ever felt before. yes there were moments of happiness and yes there were moments when I thought this would be forever. Now all I am left with is a hole in my chest where once I felt something else. Something I want to fell again but something that was ripped out of me so quickly I almost cant remember how it felt before...

The empty chair beside me. The empty bed when I go to sleep... These are the times I wish I could have done something different to make you mine forever...

I've had a few beers and we've had a few laughs but that does little to cheer me up. D... how do I win your heart over forever? How do I make you mine? How do I make you want me? How do I make you want me for more that a few fleeting moments?

Decisions and indecisions plague me since the damned cycle started again...

The cycle where I'm left wondering what the hell I did or didn't do and why the hell I'm spending another Xmas and New Year on my own...

So here it is. Once I figure out just how to get (see pic)......my head out of my arse I have to decide the following;

1. Stay here in Romania and see what happens.... hopefully meet someone.

2. Move to Colombia for a new job/life but with the same company and see if I can meet someone nice there...

3. Resign - taking one of 3 options I have that just don't quite tickle me because the people know the market is down and therefore are not offering what they should...

4. Resign and move into my house in the UK. Boot the ex who lives there out to go live with her sister till I find other work...

I'm beginning to think that the last option is the one for me. Make a full break. Stop what I'm doing and start afresh. I'm thinking of taking up plumbing. Or maybe I should see if I can just buy into a business that is already on the go...

In the mean time I am still a bit dazed and confused and getting myself angry about the bloody Hungarian Princess (which is maybe a good thing this time round). Maybe the anger will mean I'll finally get these feelings out and dealt with. Stupid cow!

Same old same old...

Well I haven't written anything here for ages. Partly because I was busy. Partly because I was happily 'together' and partly because I didn't know what to write.

You see what happened is I got a; "I think I've made a mistake. I'd like to try this and move in for a while and see how it goes. What do you think?" Well the little puppy ran with his tongue hanging out and his tail wagging as if there was no tomorrow...

All was well - well so I thought. We spent time together. Had some wonderful weeks away together. I went out of my way to make things special when I could.

Clearly it wasn't enough. Out of the blue last weekend I got; "This thing is eating me up inside. When I discovered you were going to be here for another year something went wrong. I don't have it in me....alarm bells were ringing...I can't do it any longer...the same feelings I had with my previous relationships of being trapped...". Truthfully I can't remember everything that was said but I felt numb. All the feelings of despair rushed back. The worst is that we had it so good for a while. We were making plans....

Then she flew back and I got an email a few days later... "Goodbye". There was stuff in there about me being a wonderful this and a wonderful that and how she'll never forget the unconditional love I gave her and she's sorry she couldn't return it....

Sorry Sviti but you may never read this. I hope you do for some obscure reason. (I think I'm going to move away. Far away because a few hundred kilometres is probably too close for me at this point and I might get sucked back into the whole thing again).

You have commitment issues. You are afraid to love unconditionally. You are afraid of the thing that you want the most. A loving and caring relationship. A family and a future. Do your self a favour and get help. You need it. I think I need some help after the last 3 years of what you've put us through (and it's not one sided - maybe I'm 50% to blame) and yes, I definitely need some help.

I'll never forget what we had when it was working. I'll never forget what it could have been. I only hope I'll be able to feel like this for someone else...

Right now I feel like this...

Happy as ...

Is this maybe a spoiled brat or what? I kinda feel .... now...

So I get this message last night which says this more or less...

I read your blog. I understand how you feel (without speaking to me)... I know I've ignored you again for a few more days.. sorry but bare with me. I need a couple more days to decide if I want you or not.... You see I need more time to decide, just a few more days..... Hugz Sviti.

Or do you need more time to consider another offer?!!! That is how it sounds to me... Is it that hard to decide whether you want to be with me or not? If it is that hard, am I really worth it? Clearly not.....

Was it just a bad choice of words? Well I feel like shit after reading that sms I can tell you. "Hold on Sviti - I'm not sure if I we are a go or not but only a few more days and I'll give you an answer.... " - it almost sounds as if it was a cheerful tone and I should be happy...

FFF*****kkkk. How should I feel after that?

Should I just get on with my life and find someone who is less about them & their own little plot and a little more about we and us... I have been feeling a bit like I have my head in the guillotine and I'm waiting for the inevitable blade to chop off my head and a little part of me is trying to remain optimistic because of my survival instinct

I am still just a little....

confused, perplexed, bewildered, befuddled, confounded, dumbfounded, mystified, puzzled, disoriented, disturbed, bugged and just a little bit taken aback too....

So here is the thing... the picture should explain the conversation we had tonight...

We spoke tonight. Well it started with a text which said more-or-less why have you left me with the difficult choices. The last times we did this it always failed and I don't want it to be up to me...

It is confusing isn't it? I said I want her and want to know if she wants me. D... is not sure what she wants... but she doesn't want to make the decision. One day we may look back at these times and feel a little sadness that we missed spending these gaps together... or not.

Maybe I am missing something because if the decision was mine, we would be sitting at my table on Saturday night with a sushi dinner. Some candles. A bottle of wine. Some easy music. I would get up to change the music, come back and sneak a nibble on her neck. 

Later we'd snuggle on the couch with the balance of the wine. Catch up on what's happened in the last few weeks in each others lives and then follow this up with a bubble bath in my big bath and a little more cuddling & snuggling. 

On Sunday morning I might get lucky (again) and then we would walk down to Herestrau Park and see what's happening there. 

And that could be the start.